I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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