I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize