she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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