anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
