I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
