If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
