Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
