I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
soo... how was my night?
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