Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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