so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm just crazy horny about you
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
