I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
