i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
