2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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