he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
