i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
