Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
