I am midnight drunk by noon
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
