i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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