I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
