did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
