I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
