All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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