The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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