whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
