i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
