Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize