My girlfriend figured out who you are.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Randomize
