Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
