Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Sorry my hands just texted you
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
