Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
