I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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