he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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