Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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