dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
