oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
