Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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