There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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