it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
