Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
