you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
