Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You ate ashes out of my bong
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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