I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
