Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
