I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Just invented taco cereal.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
