can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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