well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
