Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
