He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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