I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
