dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
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