Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
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