I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
