I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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