I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
