My room smells like vodka and shame
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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