I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
