so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
