i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
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