I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
