just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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