You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize