$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
