who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
is wine microwaveable?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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