so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
