whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
