I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
