the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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