i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
