It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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